Italy

Italy

“It was the day the world went wrong

I screamed till my voice was gone

And watched through the tears as everything

Came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain

As we awake to what remains

And sift through the ashes that are left

Behind”

            Above are the opening lyrics to Stephen Curtis Chapman’s “Beauty Will Rise”.  The song talks about how devastating circumstances can sometimes cause your whole world to come crashing down—but through faith, one can see hope that beauty can rise from the ugly heap of ashes that the disaster leaves behind.

            Getting to know Dale Suslick’s story of how he lost $1,000,000 through business endeavors makes me think back to an experience in my own life that everyone who knows about me knows about.  I’ve reflected and written a lot about it a lot already, but I think it’s the most interesting and significant experience in my life so far, so I’d like to share it on here too.

            Sophomore year of college, I began dreaming of studying abroad.  I was firmly opposed to it before, but I was starting to take some German classes and thought it might be fun to study in Europe for a semester.  I noticed, however, that there were no programs offered through my college to study in Germany—so I began thinking of Austria as an option—until Italy came to mind.  I really thought God placed that idea there, since I knew no Italian and had never thought of it before.  I began daydreaming about learning Italiano, meeting a guy named Feliciano, and integrating myself into a whole new group of friends.  I also thought Italy had great coffee and was already a fanatic about pizza and spaghetti.  I didn’t see any problems with my plans.

            I went to this big Intervarsity conference called Urbana over New Year’s—during the winter break before my Italian semester.  It’s a missions-centered conference, and I truly believed I was on my way to International missions (of course I was going to spread the Gospel in Italy too…).  I found myself talking to a student from China on the drive to St. Louis, and I told him all about my plans.  He didn’t say it directly, out loud—but he thought it was a little crazy that I was planning on going to a foreign country by myself without knowing the language.  He kept mentioning learning Italian—I just ignored him and stared out the window, dreaming of Feliciano.

            Anyway, I went to Italy, and the minute I got there I realized it was going to be nothing like I dreamed.  Actually, the minute I left my family at the airport and met the people I was going to be traveling with, I felt this heavy, oppressive reality fall upon my heart—what was I doing?  They were all partiers and drinkers!  But, I forced myself to be calm and really looked forward to getting on that plane, staring out the window, and watching America get smaller and smaller—I’ve always found take-off to be exciting.  And I was going to Europe!

            But the excitement quickly faded when I got there.  No more planes, travel, or change—this was where I was going to be for the next three months.  All I remember feeling was claustrophobia, especially because it was cold, and extremely difficult to reach my family (our apartments didn’t have wireless).  I didn’t talk to people there like I did with my friends and family back home—I felt lonely and trapped inside myself.

            So, I did what any mature adult would do—I sobbed, cried, called my mommy and begged to go home.  Well, not really—I arranged my flight home and my train ticket to Venice, and I left after only two weeks.  My only regret was that I didn’t stay long enough to see Germany.

            When I got back home, I was faced with an entire semester off from school.  It was too late to register for any classes, so I settled in for a few months of homebody-dom.  For the first time in months, I found my brain empty of big dreams and plans.  I didn’t know what to fill it (or my time) with, so I started reading all of my mom’s Max Lucado books.  I spent most of my days at home alone in prayer, reading, or listening to Christian music—which is where the song I mentioned at the beginning comes in.  I began to believe the lyrics and noticed that spring seemed to be coming extremely early that year, which gave me hope that, despite the fact that my plans were crushed, God was going to build something beautiful “out of the ashes”.

            Dale likens his experience of losing money to a forest fire, which burns everything down, leaving ruins.  But eventually, growth rises out of the ruins and creates something totally new.  Experiences like this empty us out so that we can be completely re-filled with whatever it is God wants us to be filled with. 

            God certainly did that for me—which is where my current life (which you’ll hear plenty about) comes in.